Okay, its 1:36am. Thinking about yesterday’s phone call…

There is a French Proverb that says: “To understand all is to forgive all…”

Not to say I understand everything but my impulse is to rationalize.
But why can’t I hate? I just really want to be angry and feel it deep deep inside. The type of anger that is pure ignorance. Where you meet eyes and turn the other way. Where you get a phone call, say ‘hello’, and then hang up. Where you block the name on MSN. Where you avoid any memories creeping back by doing other things. I am jealous of girls who do this.

But I don’t feel it at all.

I want to meet eyes and see the truth. When I pick up the phone I want to listen silently for an explanation and communicate more. I smile with some memories and feel hurt with others.

Maybe there is something wrong here? Isn’t the correct response to betrayal, anger? But I just can’t feel it. I want to help and be there and show that everything I said and promised was real not contingent on the way things will turn out. But when you do this people mistake integrity with stupidity. So now I have to fake anger and indifference just to get some respect. Takes a lot of energy to play these games. Energy that could be spent on loving.

This is a twisted world, or maybe its a good world with twisted people. Either way, there is some twisting involved – twist or be twisted.